i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Jerry, you need to find god
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
