I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize