dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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