i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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