You really coming over, don't trick.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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