Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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