Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
