i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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