Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
