There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize