I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
