i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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