so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
