When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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