So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
