made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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