Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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