I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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