So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
