People in love make me want to vomit
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
