i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
