The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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