You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
