the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
