Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
