Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
