That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
