Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
