I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
