Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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