I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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