It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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