She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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