You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
