Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
