So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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