I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
