I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
