no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize