I'm sorry my penis didn't work
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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