i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
