I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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