dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
