it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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