Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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