i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
