He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
