OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
