Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
