Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
