You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
