I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
