I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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