I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
