god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize