One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
did i just pee glitter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
