Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
