I'm lost and stupid without you.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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