The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
