someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
