This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
